on a personal note...

Reflecting back on the year, I realize how much has changed from January to January, and how many lessons I have learned about...well...everything. I remember when I was younger and knew everything about life. I miss those days. The older I get the less I know. Although age is humbling, I realize its good to realize you don't know everything. An open mind is a beautiful thing.

One of my favorite lessons I have learned is that I can handle more than I think I can, and that I am not alone. Particularly as a mommy balancing life with two little ones: one getting ready to be mobile and one in the midst of the Terribles. Sometimes I get too caught up in worrying about what other people around me will think about my parenting skills and grace (or lack thereof) trying to balance the two, but in the last year and especially the last month or two I have realized that I am a good mom trying to do the best I can, and that other moms feel a lot of the same things I do. Yeah, my toddler doesn't always obey me and will sometimes throw tantrums in public. But you know what? He's two years old. He's learning independence and how to deal with it. Ath the same time, he is teaching me patience and how to lovingly and calmly correct or punish his bad behavior. He won't always act perfectly, but he's learning and so am I. And no, my 7 month old doesn't sleep through the night like the books say he should. But you know what? The time we spend together now with nighttime feedings will be gone forever soon, so I better enjoy it while it lasts. We can take our situations and let them break us or define us. We can work through them, realizing that even though the reactions and responses we have now show little or no result in the moment, long term they are what will define our children and their future behavior. Isn't that amazing? I love knowing that and I shouldn't worry about the rest.

Another lesson I have learned is to speak up. It doesn't come naturally to me. I like to keep the peace and harmony, and selfishly I'd rather keep things inside of me rather than risk saying something that could be taken the wrong way. But God has brought before me certain situations when I felt I needed to speak up, even if it brought me out of my comfort zone. You know the first couple of episodes of the television show American Idol? They always have a few terrible singers surrounded by family members and friends telling them that they are blessed with amazing voices and the judges are just wrong, so wrong to not let them through to the next round. How is this kind of behavior loving? Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in being mean to others, but I do believe in gentle, kind, and loving honesty. Even when it is not what someone else wants to hear, and even if it is not the popular opinion of the day. I believe in it because there was once someone who was courageous enough to be honest with me, even though he had more to lose than most. And because he loved me enough to speak the truth, even though it hurt to hear at first, he changed my life in a million positive ways. I truly thank God for that honesty every day. I now surround myself with people who I hope will love me enough to gently tell me when I am doing something silly or wrong. Those are the kind of people who truly care. This, and having it reaffirmed to me more and more that no matter what you say and how you say it, there will be some people who like it and some who won't. Especially on the internet.

I've also continued on my journey to learning that it is okay to show that you care, that you hurt, that you feel frustration or sadness. It is okay to be humble, and to be vulnerable. I'm finding it freeing to embrace the emotions God gave me, even when I think I'm feeling too much.

Every year I amazed with how God provides for me. He is amazing, always challenging me and making me uncomfortable, but in a way that teaches me a valuable lesson. I look forward to another year of a lot of the good and probably a little of the bad...but that's okay! I'll take it and learn from it, too.